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Why conflict mother and adult daughter – a man and a woman


Adult daughters often live in conflict with the mother. One of them owns it, and says so explicitly, complains to her friends. And some prefer to keep silent and pretend that the relationship she’s fine. But the fact remains, and psychologists know about it.

Adult daughters often live in conflict with the mother. One of them owns it, and says so explicitly, complains to her friends. And some prefer to keep silent and pretend that the relationship she’s fine. But the fact remains, and psychologists know about it.

A letter without an envelope

Yes, it happens that mom is so annoying daughter (as they say themselves daughters “hate”), which irritates her every word, any manifestation. The mother becomes the lightning rod, the person who is to blame for all the troubles.

“most Likely, this situation has been continuing from childhood: observations, tips, which you do not ask, no common ground, ” explains psychologist Irina Sitnikova. — You already lost hope to shed more light, to change, to reach, to get something but advice: support the pride of the mother, praise, sympathy. When such situation has not changed for years, it’s easier to step back, replace, irritated by the indifference. And all anything, but the need to love their parents die only together with us, even if we think that this need is already carefully buried us. You should write a letter to your mom and say to him, you are dissatisfied, what would you change and what do you expect from mom. The letter did not have to give her, it’s need, but not her. We can’t do something with another person, but can do something with them, for example to recognize their need to love their parents.

And after try to feel the mother’s gratitude and compassion — to be able to love her, but to remember that she is not without flaws, but other mom you will not. To be able to be angry with her, but to remember that you’re angry at a loved one who has done and is doing for you all that can. And if she does something wrong, because they do not know how to love differently. Try to focus not on what the mother says and what she does for you. Remember that she’s doing everything she can, she tries. Try it and you will feel gratitude for what she does for you”.

There is a saying: the dissatisfaction of the other — is the projection of dissatisfaction. The adult daughter, as any person can be different reasons for dissatisfaction: disorder at work, lack of money, lack of implementation in the profession, the uncertainty of their situation. But chief among them — the relationship with a man.

If my daughter does not men, she believes that this is indirectly the fault of the mother. If he is, but the relationship is unstable and develop not just as you want a young woman, the fault is also passed on to the mother. If the daughter has a husband, a lightning rod will still be mom. After all, her husband’s daughter will not say what she thinks, she is afraid of conflict, afraid to spoil relations with him. But negative feelings are accumulated, so the discontent and irritation she’s channeling her mother. Most often it happens unconsciously, without malicious intent. Simple mom has a mom, she should understand, accept yourself and forgive. So it’s supposed to do.

“it’s a Shame when children begin to blame — continues psychologist Irina Sitnikova. — We always do for them all I can. So throw your guilt. All the world’s children are angry with their parents, all children, they are always to blame. Except for those parents left in the care of the state, these children love their parents…

All children will sooner or later begin to show signs of frustration with their “ancestors”. It’s okay, it’s growing up, is the separation process. If your daughter will admire you, she never dares to break away from your skirt. Now it should appear another object of idealization — a man.

So just stay close to her. Let it even be disappointed in you. In response to her claim, say, you may not be the best mother (Yes perfect mothers), but you love her and doing everything for her, you can.

Every mother doubts that she is a good mother, and this allows her to be a good mother. And every mother is going through the separation process as difficult as the child, even if both parties don’t show it. Let go of your daughter, she will come back to you”.

Not sterate together

Is it always mothers – angels? Not always. The most frequent mistake made by them — to continue to consider their adult daughters little girls and in dealing with them continue to play the role of a guardian-mentor: not said, not did, do as I say! Constant advice, guidance. Daughter about it. She is an adult, wants to solve everything by myself, because it’s her life. And then there is a constant “correction” on his mother’s side. Mom seems to think her daughter is still not smart enough, savvy, independent, so it should be all the time to teach, to direct, suggest. Mother like all the time watching her daughter, monitor her. Therefore it is not surprising that adult daughters seek to protect their lives from my mother’s intrusion.

But sometimes worse. If the mother strong, powerful character, sometimes she manages to break her will, to subdue her. She manipulates her daughter and blackmails her. The implications of this, saying, “if you leave me (late coming home, will not wear the skirt, will be in contact with the wrong guy), I will die”. Perhaps the mother is not aware of all the destructiveness of their actions, but that does not help. And if the mother manages to break her will and she submit entirely to the mother, to the extent that will put an end to his personal life and will live with mommy, then they will grow old together. Have you seen this? Sad picture…

What’s a mother to do? Internally to separate herself from her daughter. He should stop preaching, stop giving her advice and to interfere in her life. Her daughter has grown up and now needs itself to build our future, even making mistakes. She needs to gain their own life experience, the only way she can become a Mature woman.

“Surely sincerity is lacking in the relationship and your daughter, — tells moms psychologist Elena Kuznetsova. — Remember myself as a daughter: my mother’s love — is a very important need. Refusing to be friends with my mother, the person a lot loses. But such things do not occur just like that. Usually they are preceded by some kind of grievance, misunderstanding, something has traumatized. And hardly enough direct question: “what are you offended?” In their offense people tend to withdraw, to shut oneself off. It looks like this: “Ah, are you with me? Well, I don’t need you anymore, I don’t need you!” such “fundamentals of icebergs” most often found in the conflict of mother and daughter”.

All she’s gonna get it

Not worth fighting with my daughter over who is the boss and who should dictate. You gotta hold on, wait and wish for her happiness. Sometimes you have to be able to remain silent, to take my daughter’s pain. All healed and forgiven love.

“You are the main man in her daughter’s life, — reminiscent of a psychotherapist Ekaterina Krasnikova. — And she really needs you. The offense will not help to restore the trust between you. Try to cope with their emotions and take the first step, start a conversation. I think that it is the first step to make harder. Tell him that you believed that you have a good, trusting relationship. Ask what she thinks. She loves you, but protesting (she not knowing against what). Just walk up to her and hug her”.

Sometimes the best way is to timeout. Give up trying to fix something. Better to just step back from each other and let events take their course. Forget about disagreements and calmly accept things as they are, not expecting anything and not taking. Let the daughter live their lives, pass their classes, it becomes truly adult. She will succeed, no doubt. When it becomes Mature, independent, self-confident woman and will be finally happy, then the relationship with you will definitely get better. Only that we should quietly wait, believing that it will.

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