To Maintain a good relationship with his daughter
« I am 35 years old, divorced, live alone with my daughter 16 years. My mom still pronounces me that I don’t dress like that, not everyone does it, why she didn’t call, why not come and after a couple years I could be a grandmother. Amazingly, I often place my daughter claims that for many years not in my heart to forgive his mother. How to deal with this?” To Svetlana .).
From love to hate
” One father is worth a hundred teachers. But one real mother is worth hundreds of fathers” – says the ancient Indian wisdom . I want to mention: I will not in this essay to consider a successful relationship of mother and daughter, their love, friendship, mutual affection. Each of us can cite many examples of the incredible, incomparable love of a mother to a daughter and a mother’s sacrifice for the welfare of his girls. It is known that the strongest love in the world – the love of the parent, it is often blind, sometimes even something like an animal instinct.
However, psychologists have to state the fact that so spoil the life of her child, how could a mother, who can rarely. Mothers sometimes do not realize that there must come a time when a girl should be released, but instead advancing relations with the prefix “Hyper”: Hyper, hypercontrol, hyperoside, hyperscore… In such an atmosphere there is no room for the normal formation of personal relationships: daughter, Mature, mother’s age, and the invisible thread between them is in no hurry to break, she ensnares a young woman, tying her hands and feet. Relationship between the mother and daughter often fluctuate from unearthly love and burning hatred, and a lot of such examples in life and in literature ( Balzac, Flaubert, Maupassant, Leo Tolstoy, Vladimir Nabokov, A. Mauroy, F. Sagan, etc.).
Recently the French psychoanalysts K. Eliacheff and N. Eines released the book “mom”, which they made a movie called “Mother and daughter”. The authors write: “whatever the causes of maternal dissatisfaction, it is usually inherited and reproduced daughters almost in the same form as that was their mother. Maternal seizure and possessiveness are manifested in the most classic form in the refusal to split up. Because how else daughter, ungrateful, dare to reproach the one that gave her all and continues to live for her? How heartless, she may not recognize the greatness of mother’s love? How can you insult this most Holy of all possible virtues – a mother’s love? How dare reject the wonderful gift that was brought her, – the gift of love of a mother for her child?”
It is no secret that many mothers are not able “to loosen” his maturing daughter, and the daughter can not, in turn, sometimes to get rid from the annoying presence of the mother in their independent life.
“I have lived with my husband for 15 years. When our daughter was 14 years old, he left us, went to the young mistress, – tells Nadezhda (42). – Difficulties in the relationship with her daughter came to me almost immediately after the divorce. She was very upset, kept to himself, I absolutely would not obey. For two years my personal life has not turned out. And I “head” went on raising her daughter. Constantly supervised, realizing that not giving her to breathe independently, especially when she found a boyfriend. It seemed to me that get pregnant, and I told her about this constantly told. As a result, this happened. Daughter hated me, blamed for the fact that I just put it this trouble”.
“My daughter reminded me of my husband who left us in the most difficult time, when we moved to Germany, says Erica (43). Is she like him as two drops of water! There are moments when I just hate her and can’t help myself”.
“After I broke up with my husband, I had a friend who then moved in with me, and we became a Threesome, with my 10-year-old daughter, says Claudia (52). – We have lived together for five years. During this time my daughter was cute and very smart girl. My friend always used to bring her up as an example, and we were like rivals. I very dearly, and to me it was disappointing to hear. When I was ill, and subsequently became disabled, friend left me, and I was left all alone. Daughter at this time studied, but were courting me, me devoting my free time. As a result, her personal life did not work out, because she always hurried home to serve me. I felt guilty, but I couldn’t help it, as couldn’t get it to let go of yourself”.
Insidious are the mother, claiming that all his life spent on the child, and now need his attention and love. Sometimes, 80-year-old mother, who comes a moment of insight, apologizes to her 60-year-old daughter, a spinster, which makes it from the ship. The question arises: do the parents have an obligation to demand love from their children? In my opinion, in any case. Because children give their love to their children, and they, in turn, ” etc.
Of course, if children are properly educated, they don’t need to remind myself, especially, to demand them to parents visited, helped, cared for them. The children know that parents need their attention. This attention can be implemented in terms of Germany, even defining parents in a nursing home, where all the conditions for a peaceful old age, under constant medical supervision. But often the mother, until old age while maintaining their selfishness, prefer to live together with her daughter, tying her “hands and feet”.
From the relationship “adult-child” relations “adult-adult”
As a mother to establish a good relationship with an adult daughter? This issue is far more acute than in the relationship “the son is the father”.
The younger daughter defend their “adulthood”, the right to be themselves, to have their own beliefs, their point of view and Outlook on life. However, the views of daughters often do not coincide with my mother’s,
here born and conflict relations, and adolescence. Then these relations are either stabilize or “crack” in them deepens.
Often the mother teaches grown-up daughter, and how she had to do: how to walk, how to dress, whom to choose as a life partner, someone to speak, in the end how to educate their own children. She just forgets that her little girl has outgrown them and has the right of personal choice. A wise mother gropes the way, at the right time is right, gently transfer relationship category “adult-child’ in category “adult-adult”. A mother behaves with her daughter, as friend, tactfully and unobtrusively gives his opinion.
The relationship with the daughter’s mother, as the ratio of two girlfriends – the best type of relationship. Become a friend for his daughter ’ s a great talent, which is always worth the effort.
When should we start developing such a relationship – equal? It needs to be done almost from the birth of a daughter. Learn to negotiate with a child literally from the cradle – this is the ideal relationship between parents and children. Then later, when my daughter enters adolescence, to reach an understanding will be much easier.
Well, if the mother, as daughter’s best friend, will know the truth and be her support. In this case it would not be a problem “who is the boss” because two equal and very close friends there is no reason to find out who is right and who is wrong. And the longer the mother is young at heart, so it will be closer to his daughter.
Hence, the behavior of the daughter in her coming of age is totally dependent on the mother. Here indeed apply the saying: as you sow, so shall you reap. In relation to that adage, I will mention the other extreme education – in fear, intimidation, frequent reprimands and punishments for the slightest infractions. This method of education leads to a constant lie by children, concealment of their actions and behavior.
The inability of the mother to find out the truth, to establish a trust relationship with his daughter leads to alienation and disunity between them.