System-vector psychology. Problem parent and adult child, or Why kids hate their parents?
All people, beginning in adolescence, experiencing mixed feelings of rejection by parents. We want to be free and this desire sometimes comes right still to hate the people who gave us life . Of course, we are grateful to them. Of course, we understand that we owe them. Of course, we love them. But…
“I don’t know why, but I hate my mother. I have always loved her and now can’t cope with this feeling. I don’t even hate the mother, and their duty to go to it. It so happened that from the age of 16 I live far away, but every year on vacation I visited her for 2-3 weeks and loved these trips. Now I’m already 50 years old, my mother is 75. She can’t be alone, and I am obliged very often to her. While I’m far from it, I really feel for her, her old age and infirmity, but as soon as you come to it, my mental problems start – I get mad every word she said to me, I hate her behavior .
There are tons of it to nothing, for example, just feels sorry for me or advises that the best way to do, and I’m right in the shower all over. Directly the brutality of what is inside. Do my children hate me like I hate my mom? I’m scared of this feeling, I’m scared that I hate my own mother, but there’s nothing I can do about it. Then, before leaving, I cry a lot because that was yelling at her. I am very ashamed of themselves and their behavior. But while staying with her, I can’t help it. What evil lives in me? How to get rid of them? How to love again mom?”
“I learned how to negotiate with your child..”
The feelings that this man feels for his mother is not evil. It’s a perfectly normal human emotion, which also have thousands of other people. Where does this attitude?
Childhood – adolescence – adulthood
When the child is small, he is very dependent on their parents. They give him food, shelter, clothing. They give him their care. All this child with joy and carelessness takes. Moreover, for any child of his parents – the most wonderful people in the world . Even if the mother is an alcoholic, the child loves her and thinks she’s good for him, that she is the most beautiful and the most gentle.
Even if dad is an addict, it seems the child is the strongest and most courageous in the world. What is already talking about normal parents. Small children love to be proud of each other’s parents. This is childhood. A time when we happily receive what we give, and insanely happy about this, we are in awe of this.
“The current generation of children has a tremendous amount of mental and requires a special attitude..”
But childhood doesn’t last forever, then comes the awkward age. It’s actually the most difficult period in a person’s life. And not just because of sexual maturation, because people in this period of becoming an adult, i.e., full-fledged, independent member of society. He’s just as parents should not receive, but to give back – to do what all adults. This actually is what distinguishes child and adult
Children are consumers (they get), while adults give. And from this dedication of themselves to the child get pleasure E. Communication with parents lost in puberty. The thread that connected us with the mother, the natural feeling of protection from it, just disappears. Why a grown man feels for his mother, naturally, as a stranger. We are ready to create a family, to start to work and to live in society. We are willing to give.
“The child does not behave..”
Parents, or mothers, bond with your child is forever, and regardless of how old he is, 5 or 40, for the mother of the child remains a child. And she also wants to give him everything she has, regardless of what the child has grown and doesn’t need this. In adolescence we experience a range of emotions from being forced to depend on their parents, although by nature is already don’t want it . In the future, in adult life, this desire to be free will not be so clearly expressed as in adolescence. Not because we will become less aggressive towards parents, but just because we have more rights and freedoms – we’re older, and rightly so.
To more accurately assess the scale of misunderstanding between parents and children, add to it a whole galaxy of behavioral characteristics associated with the subtleties of puberty, the modern child. When the first plan be previously unknown things.
A grown man just had no physical attachment to the parent, he also does not want to be dependent on it. In simple words, does not want to receive from him, as it was in childhood. But the parent is unknown – he truly continues to give, wondering what happened to his child.
Of course, we have social and cultural constraints, which tell us that we should honor our parents, love them and care for them. And we do it, but not by the laws of nature. And accordingly, as of very strange people and parents we can hate, despise, and generally experience the full range of human feelings to them. Some care for their parents turns into a flour, which is a poison and does not breathe . And more not even because of the duty of care, and knowing that the love of a parent is not.
“A good relationship with your parents is not a myth”
Children don’t have to force yourself to love our parents as it was in childhood. Moreover, in children it basically will not work. Don’t condemn yourself, You are not to blame. Instead, try to build with the parents of such a relationship, and as with strangers, but at the same time the people You love, for example, friends.
Don’t forget that Your parents are older generation and do not judge them too harshly . And learn to take from them what they give to You: not important things or advice. Remember, for You as a small child, were once. And they love You also, as it was then.